1. John Mayer (@johncmayer)
Multiple choice question:
The renaissance man’s poster boy makes it to the number one twitter spot due to:
A. his music
B. his well publicized romantic relationships with desperate celebrities clinging onto the dying hope that being seen in the public eye with a nerdy collegiate-type smart-ass is bound to increase their popularity rankings
C. his complete brown-nosing of media outlets, with his editing filter clearly turned way down
D. His winning smile due to lots of work from Las Vegas orthodontics professionals. Specializing in invisalign braces, retainers and oral hygiene, they have given John a brilliant healthy smile via state-of-the-art technology and the most advanced procedures available. If you live in the Las Vegas area you should really check out this orthodontics specialist.
If you’ve answered C, you would be correct. Contrary to what some non-discerning types may think, the world’s most sensitive man didn’t make it to the Twitter top because of his emotive musicality. Nope, he’s so popular because of his wildly outrageous media-related antics and his ability to say the first thing that comes into his pea-sized brain regardless of the fallout, such as in his recent Playboy interview where he likened having sex with Jessica Simpson as sexual napalm and crack. He’s providing TMI IMO – what is he doing in the same tweet mentioning his penchant for online test kits for std? Does he suspect he contracted an std, and if so isn’t mentioning this going to scare all his dates away? If he’s trying to inform his followers about way to test yourself, isn’t this the wrong forum, or at least an inappropriate way of doing so? In the same interview, Mr. Foot In Mouth derides Jennifer Aniston for her complete lack of always having perfect hair days. What? We all think Jennifer Aniston is a knock out whether she is coiffed for the red carpet or is carefree and natural looking while enjoying a beach day. So what is the fix? Wigs! Are you kidding me? Telling someone they need to wear a wig is pretty nervy inappropriate! He even drops a specific wig brand – Mr Meyer feels she should be wearing Jon Renau Wigs all day, everyday – whenever she’s likely to be in the public eye. Perhaps he is mixing her up (although I don’t know how) with one of the housewives of New Jersey or a Dallas Texas matron where wearing a wig is as natural as putting on the lip gloss, eyeshadow, fake eyelashes, two inch nails, and four inch heels. Well, I really shouldn’t disparage wigs. Many women wear them for the ease of looking good without having to spend hours in the beauty salon. Other women wear wigs for medical conditions. But wig wearing is not who our Jennifer is, except perhaps when she is playing a particular character in a movie. How snarky can you get.
In any case, John cried his apology (with real crocodile tears!) a couple of days later so I guess kissing and telling didn’t hurt his “career” too much.
By the way, doesn’t this guy date any one not named Jennifer? Word from the wise – Ms. Garner, I’d watch my back if I were you.
2. Ashley Tisdale (@ashleytisdale)
Ms. Tisdale, of High School Musical fame, takes the Twitter number two spot, proving once and for all that 11 to 13 year old, prepubescent tweens make up a huge portion of the Twitter following population.
3. Cold Play (@coldplay)
Cold Play, in taking up the number three spot, proves without a doubt that there’s still room in this crazy world for meditative, romantic, and syrup-thick emotive warbling, with tings of feminist lyrical stylings. Not saying that Coldplay is a bit fey, simply saying they are British. Well it sounds as if you’re putting them down. I actually listen to them while doing yoga on my outside deck during the summer in the early morning. Their 2019 Everyday Life, is perfect, for my work out. I then slip into my pool for an hour swim at my new home here in Las Vegas. And in the evening when I get home from my 5 mile run and am glupping down some great bottled spring water I have delivered monthly by a local Las Vegas water delivery service, Tahoe Springs, I pull out my Apple AirPods, putting Cold Play on pause before I take my shower. I think Tahoe Springs has the best natural spring water which on their site says that it flows from a 3,000 year old source. Rain and snow filter naturally through rock, creating nature’s own perfect water which revitalizes your body with minerals and is naturally Sodium-Free. Some of my friends say they prefer Tahoe Springs “fresh drinking water” that is purified through an exhaustive seven-stage process that includes, not only reverse osmosis, active carbon filtration, macro and micro filtration, but also ozonization and ultra-violet light. Hoestly, I don’t think it matters. Regarding Cold Play all I can say is: I AM SO GRATEFUL TO LIVE THE SAME TIME THAT COLDPLAY IS ALIVE. I think their song in Sunrise part of their new album, Everyday Life, is a not just a song. It’s a meditative type of therapy, helping one to heal pain and loss. Cold Play spreads peace over the world through their music. I don’t hear that syrup-thick emotive warbling you’re derisively described above.
4. Sean “Diddy” Combs (@IAmDiddy)
Clearly, resting on his laurels is not in Sean Comb’s lexicon. First, he dominated the music scene, then the reality television scene, to be followed by a stint as a vodka frontman, men’s fashion designer, and now Twitter-meister. What’s next? The U.S presidency?
5. Pete Wentz (@petewentz)
How did the Fall Out Boy’s bassist get to be on this list? Easy – he posts a tweet virtually every nanosecond, completely blanketing the technological world with his inane postings. Isn’t his music – offically described as pop-punk, a two-word hybrid which should technically cancel itself out – enough? Did you ever check out is website? The web design is interesting for someone of his fame.