continued from Top Five Celebrity Tweets…
4. Kim Kardashian (@KimKardashian)
Over 3 million followers track the Superwoman (her twitter page describes her as a “businesswoman, exec producer, fashion designer, perfumista”) of the decade’s every move. Always on the go, Kim is well known for…wait,…did she just refer to herself as a perfumista? What the hell is a perfumista? Perfume peddlers now get their own moniker? Now that Jennifer Aniston has decided to release her own line of fragrances, is the world’s most beloved friend now considered a perfumista as well? I trust that we’ll see her IMdb list of credits updated soon.
How about Alan Cumming? Does he qualify as a perfumista or a super hero? Never mind – no need to answer that. Opps, I just realized the question might be a tad rhetorical. Alan Cumming has been a lot of things, but perfumista is not one of them. It was rumored once that he was a janitor, the superhero of janitors. Probably because he was not just a janitor, he was also the manager of all of the cleaning staff of a major hotel chain (shhh we aren’t allowed to say which one). He was said to be great at his job- he always kept the break room stocked with Starbucks coffee, and the closet with all of each floor’s janitorial supplies was always in tip top shape. Each floor was organized by functional usage floor and up- meaning the vacuum attachments, floor scrub and mops were on the bottom of the closet and the surface cleaners and air freshener were towards the top. Someone also said he knew his laundry detergents like noone else, and could tell which brand you were using just by smelling it. Let’s just just send him, Kim, and Jennifer some elegant gift baskets filled with champagne, chocolates, and perfume. Perhaps their gift baskets can be personalized with their names engraved on the wine bottles. While we are at it, let’s add two monogrammed toasting flutes, a monogrammed VIP silver wine opener, and for at least Kim a monogrammed silver baby rattle!
Seriously, though, when do we stop making up / adding words to Websters? Can we rewind a bit, and pull the plug a few new words ago – like maybe at “fashionista” or something – so that we never have to hear the term “perfumista” again?
Damn you to hell, Ms. Kardashian, you and your evil ways.
5. Perez Hilton (@perezhilton)
Not to be confused with Paris Hilton, though they’ve been known to swap clothes once in a while to pull a “Princess and the Pauper” ruse and confuse unsuspecting rubes for kicks. Rumor has it that Perez, not Paris, was the official stand-in during her stint in prison. While Paris continued to party like it was 1999, Perez had to deal with stale bologna sandwiches on a daily basis, catfighting and excessive bitch-slapping, all while deflecting unwanted advances from a gaggle of horny, hardened honeys. From what I hear, those female wardens were none too pleased when they discovered what “Paris” was packin’ underneath that orange jumpsuit.
That “Princess and the Pauper” thing ain’t so funny now, is it Perez?
Is Perez displeased that he’s #5 on the list? Not at all, according to his cheerfully-upbeat PR team, “He’s #1 in the blogger category!”, failing to mention altogether that he still wakes up screaming at night, his body bathed in a cold sweat, hugging himself tightly whilst hot tears stream down his cheeks. Hate to say “I told you so”, but impersonating Paris was bound to come to a bad end.
Hang in there, Perez, you’ll get through it. Your legions of blog and twitter fans are all rootin’ for you. You go, girl.
Perfumista, I mean please…